


You Have Stormtrooper Aim

by DarkPilot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Gen, May the Fourth be with y'all, crackfic, have fun reading, idk what i wrote, like complete crack, this makes no sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 04:17:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10823586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkPilot/pseuds/DarkPilot
Summary: Once again, Poe Dameron and BB-8 founnd themselves running from stormtroopers. Then, they found themselves in the middle of a First Order-wide existential crisis in which no one knew if Darth Vader was actually dead. Hilarious crack and nonsense ensues!





	You Have Stormtrooper Aim

**Author's Note:**

> All I gotta say, guys ....  
> May the Fourth be with y'all :,)

Once again, Poe Dameron and BB-8 found themselves running (and rolling) from a squad of stormtroopers. In a Star Destroyer. As all dramatic heroes do, they were running in a straight line that would obviously put them more in the line of fire. Oh, these terrible plot loopholes.

"You shoot like a stormtrooper!" Poe yelled over his shoulder.

"I AM a stormtrooper!" The lead trooper yelled back, raising his blaster and firing. And of course, missing.

BB-8 swiveled his head backwards and beeped a teasing comment. Or she. See, you never know with droids. Oscar Isaac himself said that gender is a very fluid thing, especially with droids. He also said he'd like a rainbow lightsaber. I'd also like a rainbow lightsaber. Heck, I'd just like an actual lightsaber.

Anyway,

"I can't understand you!" The stormtrooper yelled at BB-8. "I don't speak droid!"

"It's BINARY, ya dumb-nut!" Poe corrected as he continued to run in a straight line. At this point, Poe really had no idea where he was going. It was like one of those running game apps where you just keep running for no apparent reason and collect coins. Unfortunately, there were no coins magically laying about in the halls of the Star Destroyer.

Poe reached a fork. He glanced down at BB-8. They shared a mutual nod of agreement —

— and ran in separate directions!

Realizing that his droid friend was not with him, Poe quickly backtracked. BB-8, realizing that his/her/their human companion was not with him/her/them, also quickly backtracked.

"I thought we were going to go to the right!" Poe said, gesturing to the right hallway.

- _No, we were going to go left!_ -

"But we nodded and agreed to go right!"

- _No, I nodded to the left and you nodded in agreement!-_

"We were so going to the right."

- _We were going to go LEFT.-_

"Droid, please!"

- _Human, please!-_

By then, the stormtrooper squad had caught up to them. "Freeze!"

Poe raised his hands in surrender. BB-8 lit a welding torch like a thumbs-up.

Suddenly, Darth Vader appeared from the right hallway and the Imperial March started playing. Darth Vader said very commandingly, "EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!"

All the stormtroopers looked at each other in confusion. Everyone thought that Darth Vader had died in the last trilogy.

Darth Vader repeated himself. "EVERYBODY CLAP YOUR HANDS!"

Poe Dameron, not knowing what else to do, started clapping to the beat of the Imperial March. One by one, the stormtroopers that had been chasing him started clapping, too. BB-8 shook his/her/their head. Stupid humans.

Kylo Ren emerged from the other hallway, his hair looking fabulous and conditioned as always. Unfortunately, he did not have a memorable theme song to enter with, so he just walked into —

"IT'S A TRAP!" Admiral Ackbar randomly shouted from a randomly passing ship.

Kylo Ren looked at Darth Vader, who was breathing menacingly. Kylo Ren, of course, was Vader's number one fanboy, and started having a panic attack at being in the same presence as his idol. Poe and BB-8 looked at him pitifully as he started bowing down to his grandfather.

It seemed like no one else knew what to do, or what was going on. The stormtroopers had stopped clapping at this point, and they were looking at each other in confusion. The squad leader wasn't sure if he needed to change his 2015 helmet to the 1977 one or not.

Finally, Darth Vader said, "KYLO REN WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BOWING DOWN TO ME."

Kylo Ren immediately got off the floor, and the Force ghost of Hayden Christensen appeared. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Grandson, you are embarrassing me."

At this point, the Force pretty much exploded, since Darth Vader was alive but Anakin Skywalker was a ghost. As a result of this explosion, the new Death Starkiller Mark IV also simultaneously combusted. The Supreme Leader was very disappointed, but what the hell, that's what you get from one family screwing up the whole galaxy.

This led to the whole confusion of whether we were in 2015 or 1977, during which Poe and BB-8 made their escape, down the right hallway. HOWEVER!

The lead stormtrooper had caught up to them secretly, and he met them in the hangar as Poe and BB-8 tried to steal a TIE fighter. He took off his helmet and said to Poe, "You know, you're pretty fucking hot."

Poe was flattered. "Thanks. You're pretty fucking hot, too. What's your name?"

"FN-2187."

"That is too hard to say, so I will just rename you without your permission. Your new name is now Finn."

"Thank you, handsome pilot!" The newly named Finn said. "And now I shall leave the First Order of the Phoenix since no one here really does anything and go on an amazing adventure with you."

"My name is Poe, and that's all you need to know!" Poe winked. "No, seriously, we should get married in the next movie."

"We should get married in the next movie," Finn agreed. "When's it coming out?"

"Beebee, when is the next movie coming out?" Poe asked BB-8. BB-8 immediately made the calculation, and Poe interpreted. "Two hundred and fifteen days!"

"Awesome!" said Finn. "Now let's go escape gloriously!"

"Okay!" Poe agreed.

BB-8 shook his/her/their head in sad droid defeat. Stupid humans.


End file.
